About 2 years ago I came face to face with myself. I’d been on the run for a while, avoiding asking the tough questions and ‘coping’ with that feeling of ‘being down’ constantly that had become a permanent feature in my life. I was working for a high growth tech startup at the time, doing well by all external markers, but I wasn’t being honest with myself about how I was feeling inside. I’d become a Vice President at 26 and the company was signing big name clients like J.P. Morgan and OpenText, what more could I want? As part of the process of our new chairman coming onboard, it was required that each of the members of the management team undergoes a psychological evaluation. Why you ask? Well, because growing a business is hard and it can break you. The investors need to be sure that they are investing in a team that can weather the inevitable storms that come with pursuing greatness.
My interview with the management psychologist lasted 4 hours. The output of that interview was a 34-page report that I picked up recently as I started to think about #IAmMyBrothersKeeper and #YouGoodMan. One of the sections of the report was about emotional wellbeing and resilience. Below is an actual screenshot of my results.
As you can see, it turns out that although I had a high regard for others, I scored the lowest possible score one could get on regard for self. I was not okay and someone else knew. No more hiding behind job titles and ‘growth’. Below is the psychologist’s interpretation of that low ‘self-regard’ score.
Munya: here are your key descriptors:
- A tendency to ignore positive feedback and putting oneself down.
- Self-confidence easily knocked by feelings of self-doubt and insecurity.
- Possible need to continually prove oneself.
- May display defensive or rigid behaviour.
- A preoccupation or excessive worry about personal shortcomings.
‘Your self-regard score was low compared to other leaders. Developing and maintaining your self-regard or self-esteem is a prerequisite for effective leadership. Having low regard in yourself may manifest in self-doubt and insecurity, worrying about your shortcomings and putting yourself down. Low self-regard may also distort your awareness, causing you to interpret experiences negatively (YES!). For successful people, low self-regard is often a byproduct of success; having received a lot of positive feedback, self-esteem can become exclusively contingent on getting more positive feedback. Such thoughts corrode a broader sense of self-worth and promote a preoccupation with the need to feel competent (How did you know?). A fear of ‘being found out’ can lead a person to stick rigidly to their comfort zones or to seek to prove themselves over and over again resulting in chronic uneasiness (that feeling was my second home). Feeling the need to constantly protect one’s self-image can lead to superficial bravado (this is like looking into a mirror), an inability to develop open and trusting relationships and rigid behaviour such as having to be the centre of attention, avoiding people altogether, insisting on being in charge or avoiding any responsibility.’
Now, the reasons why I ended up in this state don’t matter as much as the fact that on that particular day, someone explained myself to me and also made it clear that this ‘low regard for self’ was career-limiting and would almost certainly ensure that I would never rise to my full potential.
Do you know anyone who has a low regard for themselves? Do you know anyone who doesn’t like themselves very much or describes themselves as a failure? Do you know anyone who is constantly down? Are you that person? If you are that person or you know someone in this struggle, let us take the first steps to doing something by raising awareness or beginning these crucial conversations with our loved ones.
Development Suggestions:
I have listed below a few exercises that helped me form more positive thought patterns and habits:
- Once a day take a few minutes to notice your ‘inner critic’ and challenge it with the question “Is this really true?”
- Give and accept compliments from others rather than dismissing them.
- Each day, allocate uninterrupted time for yourself to write down something you did well that day and something you like about yourself as a person. Do this for 30 days.
As I wrote in this post a few weeks ago, we are not okay. In fact, we have a crisis on our hands. Suicide is the leading cause of death among men between the ages of 25 and 45.
Chances are someone in your life needs to read this. Share it with them before it’s too late. It’s not silly, it’s not weak and it’s not pathetic. It’s killing us.
My name is Munyaradzi Hoto, and I am my brother’s keeper.
