CHAPTER 10: An intense meeting with the Pastor

I meet Dylan at Pastor Ben’s office. He makes an attempt to hold hands but this is too awkward for me so I pretend I need both hands to carry my small bag. He gets the hint . Pastor Ben looks tired, he however is as cheerful as he always is. Ahh’ing and uhh’ing at how long it’s been since we last saw him.

‘I wonder who you’re angry at more , God or yourself.’ He says to Dylan after we’ve tried as much as we can to keep the conversation on safe grounds.
‘I’m not angry at anyone Pastor, what gives you that idea?’, Dylan is clearly not comfortable anymore, he keeps shifting in his seat, as if it’s suddenly hot.
‘No man changes his ways unless he is angry at something son, you’re angry, you’ve stopped coming to church. What’s the reason?’

Dee fixes his eyes on the door, his desire to leave is embarrassingly apparent.
‘It’s just a season I guess,’ even he knows that lying to Pastor Ben is a waste. His ability to see through people has always unsettled me.
‘You’re angry’, he repeats with a chuckle.

There’s a ping from the computer in front of him, he shifts his focus from us. The relief is not unlike that felt by students when the teacher moves on from inspecting their work in class. While he is concentrated on his screen, Dylan starts signaling to me that we’re running out of time for our appointment. Unsurprisingly , this doesn’t escape Pastor’s attention.

‘You’re rushing somewhere? I’m sorry for keeping you, it’s the old age. You will see as you grow old, the loneliness .’ The way he laughs at his own joke inspires an earnest smile to my face.
‘Don’t worry Pastor , it’s just that we have an appointment that we need to keep,’ I assure him.
‘No matter, no matter,’ he says, getting up with great effort ,’come , let me bless you two.’

We hold hands as Pastor Ben begins to pray. My heart skips as he starts praying scripture for victory over us. It dawns on me how it really feels like I’m on the battlefield, alone. I’m overwhelmed by how the prayer sounds so familiar to my heart, I can’t help the tears that stubbornly trickle down my cheeks despite my efforts to blink them away.

Because we’re holding hands, I’m unable to wipe the evidence of my pain away. When we say amen, I know there’s no point in trying to cover my face. Dylan speaks first, ‘You’re crying, do you want tissue?’. I almost laugh at his poor emotional intelligence, why I’m crying is not important, he would have me remove the liquid manifestation of my pain soon as opposed to later.

‘Is there anything wrong Mai Tembo Moyo?’, the tenderness in Pastor Ben’s voice wrecks me. I collapse into my chair and start crying openly, without care.

Dylan stands over me, awkwardly so, he places a hand on my shoulder as I continue crying my heart out . Pastor Ben looks on with a calm face. After a minute of inaction, except my own bawling , Pastor Ben whispers something to Dee, they move to the farthest corner of the office. They have a little tête-à-tête, Dylan nods the whole time. They come back and take their seats.

‘Mai Tembo Moyo?’
‘Yes, Pastor’, I hiccup.
‘Would you like us to have a conversation?’
‘I’m sorry for bursting out like that Pastor Ben, I’m hurting and I feel so alone. I’m confused, I don’t know what to do.’

‘What are you talking about Tanya? How do you feel alone?’ Dylan is defensive, to which Pastor admonishes, ‘Allow her, son. Go on Mai Tembo Moyo’. I decide not to hold back.

‘This marriage is becoming too much work Pastor, I feel inadequate. I am not sure of what to do to please my husband.’

They both remain silent.

I try to explain further,’ Maybe I was stupid to think I would be able to have kids, or that Dylan wouldn’t mind not having kids, I thought I wouldn’t. We got along so well I was convinced we were perfection.’
‘Son?’, Pastor Ben coaxes Dee to say something.
‘I don’t know Pastor…’, silence.

‘I don’t know, I love Tanya but lately it hurts to love her. She says she doesn’t know what to do. For years I have asked her to go and see someone who can check her and see if anything’s wrong with her. She blatantly refused , I gave up. To me that was a sign that she did not care about working a way forward, I let it go. Then she started accusing me of not caring, she confuses me. It hurts to love her.’

Pastor Ben’s face , does not at any point, reflect anything other than calmness.
‘Okay, I want you both to tell me what you want the other to do right now,’ Pastor Ben looks at me, pointedly.
‘I just want Dylan to reassure me that we’re in this together and I want him to listen to me. I want him to tell me what he wants me to do, he has stopped talking to me. I want him to be the man I fell for, he has changed.’

Pastor Ben nods and then turns to Dee. Dylan looks me dead in the eye, ‘I want you to tell me the truth about your past Tanya…’