CHAPER 11: The Truth Shall Set You Free?
The statement hits me like a tonne of bricks, I blink, confused for some seconds.
‘What do you mean, you know my past Dee,’ I say, my voice trembling.
‘Don’t lie, don’t even! Please, I read your diary.’
I look at Pastor, he doesn’t say anything, he is leaning back in his chair, appearing nonchalant, undisturbed by the drama in front of him. Anger consumes me at first, I want to scream at Dylan for not having the decency to respect my privacy.
I face Dylan, ‘What did you read?’
Dylan scowls.
‘Just tell me everything Tanya, I want everything!’ We hold gazes, it feels like just us two in the room, Pastor has successfully blended himself into his chaise. I breathe deeply. I try to swallow my fear.
‘Okay…I don’t know where to begin, this was all a long time ago. I mostly forgot to tell you, or I didn’t think it was important Dee.’
He looks at me with tired eyes, he is supporting his head in his hand, he looks bored. I feel as if I’m hitting a wall, I go on.
‘After mainini came to live with us, we were broken, we all weren’t speaking to each other. Mainini had a presence, she was always jovial, she carried a positive energy with her. She came and tried to mend the situation as best as she could. We resisted her efforts at first but she got to me first. I fell pregnant at 15, I wasn’t sure who the father was, I’ve told you this.’
I turn to look at Pastor Ben, I want to apologize that he has to hear this, I want to apologize for having been the young girl I was. Our eyes meet, his reflecting acceptance, mine desperate fear. He nods in encouragement, urging me to go on.
‘I got an abortion, a lady who lived in our neighborhood was said to be the best. I nearly died, I go so sick. For weeks I was bedridden, my father was too angry and drunk to care , my mother too depressed she didn’t even care for her own self. The only person I confided in was mainini. She took me to the clinic and made sure I had all the medication I needed. That’s how she got to me, in her disapproval of my behavior I still felt her love, I was intrigued. I made an effort to move away from my old ways and started to go to church with her. I was young still, not much understanding. I was excitable. Church and mainini’s way of life felt good for a while. The change was refreshing but for a teenager without a solid foundation, this all became old and uninteresting soon enough.’
I close my eyes as the regret of my decisions drown me like a wave. Everyone is still, Dylan’s face is void of any emotion, not once does he remove his eyes from me.
‘I never felt welcome at church, people couldn’t forgive my past. I felt judged, I was the subject of after-church-carpark-gossip. Parents didn’t want their children to sit with me in church. I wanted to join the choir, I was told I would need to prove my commitment first. The church broke me. I thought I would learn how to be like mainini but I didn’t recognize her spirit in any of the church people. So I backslid, I backslid and went back to living by my own rules.’
‘It’s okay Mai Tembo Moyo,’ Pastor Ben offers his understanding as tears of self loathe silently make winding patterns on my cheeks. Putting my old life into words makes me feel tainted and dirty, it brings back to reality a part of my existence that I’ve always ignored as scenes from a fictional story.
I dab away at my eyes and blow my nose. I want to ask Dylan if he is angry, I dare not.
‘It was really bad’, I say, shaking my head.
‘I got involved with gangs of people that were years older than me, there was no law to our way of life. I ran away from home and started living with a man old enough to have fathered me.’
Dylan stirs, finally. I had never told him this, he stands up and start pacing the length of the room, I imagine him burning a hole in the carpet. I don’t say anything, not sure of what to do.
‘You kept the fact that you lived with a man a secret, all this time? Tanya?’
He doesn’t miss a beat in his pace, he places both hands on his hips, they tumble off as if they are lifeless. He raises them up and puts them on top of his head, one hand moves down his face, wiping it. It looks as if he is crying, only he is not. He takes a few more steps, shakes his head and then he sits in the chair that is furthest from mine. His display of distraught disables me from offering any comfort, Pastor Ben maintains his calm silence.
‘I was young,’ I repeat, more to myself than to any of them. ‘I was young,’ the words fall out of my mouth like a chant that is supposed to undo a curse.
‘I …this man, Russel offered an escape from poverty. They tried to threaten, intimidate, ask and force me back home but it didn’t work. I guess my running away jolted them back to being parents but it was late. I lived with him for 7 months. He was a married man, his wife was kumusha, I didn’t care. I fell pregnant again.’
‘Oh my God!’ is Dee’s pained response, ‘Where is the child Tanya?’ , he whispers the question, afraid of the answer.
‘I removed it, a and I friend killed that baby’….
