CHAPTER 4: IS IT WORTH IT

From the Diary…

21 August 1988

Mama is back. I came back from school and found her sitting on her bed crying, she did not even try to hide her tears. I did not know what else to say after greeting her, I stood by the door for a minute, undecided. Eventually I moved to sit by her side. I started crying too because she would not stop and I didn’t know what more to do. Baba walked in on us like this 10 minutes later. On asking mhamha why she was crying, she gave a weak explanation about how she had been robbed. Baba was not happy, he accused mhama of being a dimwit and stormed out, banging the door so much I had to go check if the door hadn’t come off it’s hinges. I am scared of baba.

I put the diary down, walking over to the stove to check on my chicken. What had happened to my parents, had made me vow to myself that I would never stay in a marriage that made me cry, yet here I was. It always seems like the more I don’t want something, the more I must accept it. I know the damage that comes with an unhappy marriage but I cannot let go, for a hundred of reasons. Yet the one reason that should matter is my sanity and peace.

It is this madness that caused mhama to attempt suicide, after baba found out she was cheating. 3 trips to Zambia a month, on each of them she went to see her boyfriend, a married man with 5 children. One of mhama’s friends told baba about it, because mhama had refused to lend her some money. That night baba was so drunk he couldn’t even stand up straight and he was shaking from anger so much his blood must have turned into a beverage of some sort. My mind refuses to repeat the words he used on my mother that night.

‘Are you okay?’ I’m startled when I realize it’s Dylan, I am so caught up in my thoughts I do not hear him come in.
‘Hi, yes. I am, I am alright’,
‘You don’t look too good, listen, if it’s about yesterday, I am sorry, don’t worry about it.’

This is perhaps one of the things I hate about Dylan, his ability to treat grave matters like simple issues of deciding where to eat or whether to buy another pair of socks or not. I know he will not discuss the argument we had again, life for him goes on. I sigh.

He starts to walk off towards the bedroom.
‘Dylan…?’ . He stops at the door, leans on the frame and looks at me impatiently. I go on,
‘Do you remember when I told you about mhama attempting suicide?’
‘Yes, I do. Is she okay?’
‘Yea yea, mhama is okay. Just that I didn’t tell you the truth about why she did.’
‘Tanya, I am tired…’ he says, ready to walk away.
‘Dylan, my mom cheated on baba. He found out and kicked her out. The thought of living without her abusive and unsupportive husband scared mhama so much she thought death better.’

His mouth is open, shock colors his face. He comes back into the kitchen and pulls out a chair, dumping himself on it.

‘Why are you telling me this? Now?’
‘She was scared, I am scared. She thought she did not have anyone, I feel like I don’t have anyone as well. Look at how they live Dylan, a lot of years later and they are not happy together. I used to think things would change when they started going to church, that they would love each other , they are leaders at church and they just tolerate each other to this day. I do not want that for myself Dylan. I cannot let fear hold me back. I wish that I hadn’t aborted, I do. But I did. And it’s probably why I can’t give you children now…’

‘Tanya..’ Dylan tries to interupt, but I won’t allow him.
‘…I love you Dylan, but I’m at my wit’s end now. I fail to see how we can make things right. We used to be happy, now I feel like your maid, hell your maid would be better because you would eat her food. You don’t eat here anymore. What am I supposed to do?’
‘Are you suggesting that we divorce Tanya?’ he responds.

Hearing him say the words I have been struggling with shocks me.

‘I don’t know’. I say.
‘What will it take for me to remove this thought from your mind? We are not the happiest right now but divorce is not an option Tanya, I won’t allow it, let’s go for therapy, we will look for a Pastor from another church to help us, we can work this out.’

The desperation in his voice confuses me, so I ask, ‘Why?’

‘We vowed to love each other till death Tanya, people look up to us. What will they say? Tanya, this is divorce, you’re not thinking straight! Let’s go see a pastor and get help, please.’
Now he has me really confused, I really thought he didn’t want me anymore, he said it himself, he wanted kids. Where did he think I would get kids? Squeeze them out of my pimples?
‘I don’t know Dylan’, I repeat.
‘It’s okay, we can talk after you’ve thought about it, I’m going to shower.’

I remain in the kitchen, a lot going through my head. I think about how baba had convinced mhama not to try to kill herself with the promise of taking her back. Perhaps he felt guilty, for what, I would never know. Does Dylan feel guilty? The issue with my parents had dragged on for weeks, aunts I had not seen for years came to intervene.

The fact that mhama had cheated was overlooked, almost as if baba had no right to react to this. Sometimes I wonder if he feels like he was forced to take her back, I wonder if he was allowed to deal with her infidelity so that he could heal and forgive, does he resent her? I wonder if mainini then came to stay with us 2 weeks later as an apology gift to baba from mama’s family.

I don’t understand our culture and this wouldn’t surprise me. I never caught baba and amainini doing anything inappropriate but then, a lot of things have been kept from me. Mhama’s infidelity has never been mentioned again, swept under the rug, like it never happened. I actually start to wonder if I forgave her, do I believe baba is the victim?

I chuckle as I realize mhama probably blames her actions on baba, after all she had said he was the reason she cheated. His lack of support, his insensitivity, his absence and his abuse had, according to her drove her into the arms of another. I wish they had divorced. I was happy that day, 15 years when they accepted Christ, but now, I wish they had divorced.

Even God allows divorce if one spouse cheats. Cheating should also encompass breach of vows, I muse. Dee promised to give me attention, he no longer does, that should be enough for a divorce in His eyes surely. Would God have me live unhappily for the sake of not divorcing? Do I even want a divorce? I notice the old diary that I had left on the table. I remember with alarm that Dylan at one point in our conversation picked it up and browsed through the tattered pages. I panic, how much did he see, what did he read? Why didn’t he ask anything?