Most of us have a natural desire for lifelong companionship and the lack of it by a certain age can cause discouragement. Pressure whether direct or indirect may start to build and affect our judgement. There’s a common assumption that those married later than stipulated by society are lacking or have some major character flaws. Whether this is actually true remains a matter of opinion depending which side of the fence you’re on.
This article is inspired by some dating mistakes I’ve made leading into 30+ as a result of ‘settling-down’ pressure. I’m not saying mistakes are the only reason I find myself here but having made them presents a sharing opportunity. My intention is to start some must-have conversations for singles by singles.
Not all delays are about God’s timing
This is from a lesson I’ve been learning about the exception and the rule. It’s easy to fall into the trap that yours is an exception when you’re ignoring the rule. This is not a claim that I have all the answers here it’s simply a challenge to take deeper thought.
I believe the rule here is that two must meet, make a connection and possibly grow it into a lifelong union. Getting to know them, getting to be known by them and deciding to take the next step are unavoidable. There is no substitute for the work, the openness, the sincerity and the vulnerability of becoming one with someone. The point is it’s a journey NOT a destination and there is a greater purpose tied into your walk than arriving.
Mistake #1 Marketing for marriage
We all know and frown upon marketing gimmicks to get us to buy more products. Sometimes pressure drives us to market ourselves for marriage this same way.
Definition: the act of presenting inflated qualities, beliefs and mannerisms pertaining to oneself in order to appear as ‘hubby’ or ‘wifey’ material. The aim is to strategically check off the taken box by playing the field well.
The problem: it sets the foundation for painful and dramatic heartbreak or short lived marriage. When you show up with an air brushed persona your true colours always crash the party. Let’s face it; if you had to catch the spouse the hook dictates the rest of your life.
My experience
I’ve been different versions of a Sharon that I thought were #wifeymaterial for the guy I was dating. I’ve tried being prim and proper, being a ride or die and just plain old trying too hard. In all my efforts I lost sight of the fact that there was a natural process involved. I wasn’t thinking about compatibility or sustainability in the relationship. I wasn’t considering my or his happiness or the fact that marriage is not a checklist item.
My 33rd birthday is around the corner and only now is when I’m learning to be a full page version. Meeting myself as I am has been the hardest confrontation I’ve ever had to make. I thank God that none of the times I was marketing worked out. I would have been miserable making some poor guy equally unhappy. Our kid(s) would have been messed up from the toxicity of fake tryna be real. There’s no substitute for a legitimate union and you can’t make it your sole mission to be married.
